I feel like the blogging world is slowly fading away. Maybe just for me! But really I have noticed that even the friends I follow don't seem to be writing as much. I think that's due to Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram and well lots of other social media pulling us away from blogging. Life has been good for us and it isn't that I haven't had anything to write about. I think I have just been in a funk and not felt like writing. It goes hand in hand with my goal to live life more this year and be wrapped up in technology less. Or the fact that Bennett is turning 18 months this week and is constantly keeping me on my toes, between getting into cupboards, climbing on any flat surface and running (not walking anymore, too slow for him) around the place. We keep busy with playgroup, storytime at the library, trying new recipes off Pinterest, reading books to Bennett and reading books on my own at night.
This may be a random tangent, but the other day, someone asked me about what some of my biggest accomplishments are. I have been thinking alot about my answer. The thing that stuck out to me the most was that I said "I am a mom, against all odds." Now I don't think I did anything to deserve to be a mom, certainly not more than anyone else, I don't think being a parent is a guarantee in life or something we are all entitled too. But I do know how bad I wanted it and as hard as it has been to learn, grow, adjust and stretch my abilities to become a mom to Bennett, I am so grateful everyday for the opportunity I have to get to be a mom and not just any mom, but his mom. Watching Bennett grow older and seeing how I really am his whole world right now, makes me realize that this time is so fleeting. Everytime he grabs on to my legs or runs up and wraps his chubby little arms around my neck, I realize that this is what my whole life has been preparing me for. All that time waiting for him to come, I was always so worried about the possibility that I might never be a mom, that becoming a mom was going to be different than I planned, that it would be hard for me. Now I realize, it was never about me. The whole purpose in the waiting, was so that Bennett could come to our family when he was supposed to and to begin the life that he is supposed to live. I am an important part of that life, but I am just a part. He has so much ahead of him and each day I see a little more into his future. His birthmom Cortney did the most amazing, selfless thing that anyone could do by letting go and allowing him to join our family and my greatest hope is that I can be the kind of Mom that she chose me to be for him. He teaches me so much and I truly feel blessed to get to watch him grow and learn, as his mom. Life is good.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Monday, January 14, 2013
What's Mine Is Yours
Today Katherine Nelson released a video to go along with her song "What's Mine Is Yours". I clicked on the link that Lindsey had included and within moments tears were rolling down my cheeks. The emotion Katherine conveys, the images of the mother who loses her sweet baby and of the courageous birthmom placing her baby in the arms of another....ah, it just rocked me to my core, but in a GOOD way.
I have literally been pulling up youtube and playing the song for anyone who will listen. I also went on Amazon and purchased it so that I could put it on my phone. It is so beautiful and the message is so tender to me, being someone who has experienced both a miscarriage and the miracle of a birthmom placing their most precious gift in my arms. Please support Katherine by going onto her website or Amazon and purchasing this song. Share it with your family members and friends. She has been blessed with an amazing talent and I am so grateful that she used it to write this song. Hope it touches your heart as well!
Once upon a time...
About a month ago, I was extended a calling to serve as a Mia Maid Advisor in our ward. I was thrilled to accept, especially when I found out I would be serving alongside some of my favorite new friends here in Tucson!
Today in Young Womens, we had an amazing lesson taught by my friend Cassy. Her lesson touched me so much that I wanted to write down what I learned from it so I could always remember it.
The lesson was about how we are all living our own fairytale right now. When you think of fairytales, you probably first think of magic, wealth and happily ever afters. In our fairytale, we all are children of a king and right now we are in a far away kingdom living this mortal existence. But we are royalty, sons and daughters of our Heavenly Father and because we are, we do have magic in our lives. The magic comes in the form of miracles we experience, ranging from the small things that fall into place daily without us even realizing how they are coming together to the large things that we can look back on and see how magical they truely were.
I was also reminded that in every fairytale, there is a villain waiting to swoop in and steal that happily ever after right out from under the beautiful princess. That villain is Satan in our lives. He is always right there to tell us that we aren't good enough, pretty enough, wealthy enough, smart enough, succesful enough, skinny enough and well you get the point. He is the cunning witch with the poisonous apple, the abusive stepmother ready to degrade and condescend at every turn, the sea witch promising us what we think we want in exchange for what precious gifts we have, secretly waiting to trick and enslave us. All fairytales I've read end with the bad guy getting what was coming to him. However, there are no guarantees our story will end that way so we have to be strong, courageous and brave. Satan won't be triumphant in the end unless we let him. We choose how our story turns out by the choices we make each day. We can recognize Satan's lies, fight him off with our inherited spiritual gifts, because we all have it in us to be triumphant over the villain. Satan is never going to have our back, send in reinforcements to help us or be there when we get trapped by our choices and have to face consequences. But our Heavenly Father will be, he wants to defend and protect us against the enemy forces. He has a great army ready and willing to fight with us if we we will choose the right side of the battle. He also has a vast wealth to share and bless us with.
We aren't trapped in some tower, waiting to be rescued so we can live happily ever after. We are on a path, living our once upon a time and working toward our ever after. If we get off the path, we have the Savior to help us get back on and continue our journey. Also, we don't need to wait to be happy until the end of the story, we can choose to be happy now.
So, my once upon a time is now. I won't let the bad guy win and I will continue to remind myself that I am a princess of the most high king. My Heavenly Father loves me, thinks I am more than enough and wants me to reach for everything he has ever dreamed of for me. I am writing my own fairytale and I want it to be worth reading!
Thursday, January 10, 2013
New Year, New Me
Honesty time. This is going to be a different blog from now on. Less snapshots of life and more thoughts. Random as it may be, I want to be more open and since this is my space to do so I hope you will bear with me as things change.
This year, I have different goals than in the past. In years before, my goals involved a weight loss goal, some spiritual goal (usually reading a certain set of scriptures and a certain number of temple visits each month). This year, I want to live more which in turn will increase my spiritual life. Live more fully, enjoy life more, cherish each day.
I have come to realize with Josh being gone that I don't know how to be on my own. I get anxious, it's very hard for me to relax, I can't seem to turn off my mind and to do list. I love taking baths but I can't even seem to enjoy those anymore because I keep thinking. The only time when I can relax is when I am watching a movie in a movie theater. Even watching movies on the couch, I get distracted and feel like I need to be working on a project or reading facebook, checking instagram or pinning things for later on Pinterest. Technology is becoming more of a distraction than helpful. How do I unplug, how do I calm my mind? I need to find ways to decompress. Yoga maybe, ballet classes possibly? Reading more often. Not sure. I have tried deleting instagram from my phone, deactivating my facebook account and staying away from blogs and pinterest. But then I feel disconnected from my family and friends, especially since we live 2 hours away from most of them. There must be a balance. I have got to find it.
Part of living more fully for me must be letting go of my concerns about others opinions. I am always worrying about what I do or say, or things I have already done or said. The one thing that bothers me most is when I think that I offended someone. I lost sleep over it and it nags at me until I can try to work it through with the person. However, some people aren't worth that concern and worry. The ones who are worth it, should know me well enough to know the true intentions of my heart and that I would never intentionally do or say something to hurt them. Most often I am overanalyzing things and they aren't even bothered or upset. So while it's important to worry about being nice, it's more important for my life and sanity to only worry about the things I can change and the people I live with day to day and there opinion of me. Luckily both my husband and Bennett are easy to please and love me lots, I am a lucky girl. :)
I need to love me for me. If you have any suggestions on how a person does that, well, maybe keep them to yourself :) Because I think I have to figure this out on my own this time. I have heard it all, it's just time for me to figure how to make it apply to me.
Lastly, I have alot to offer. I have so much to give to others but I usually put up a wall before I get too close. Yes I am an open person, I share alot of my past, my present, my hopes for the future. But I don't really let others in. I don't do it because that would mean I trust them not to hurt me, betray me or leave me behind for something or someone new. Part of working through my trust issues is learning to not second guess myself in my relationships. Trust others, give them the benefit of the doubt. Usually I end up creating some unfounded basis for distancing myself from friends or family members before they can distance themself from me. (It's part of that whole worrying so much about everything.) I have lost touch with many that I love because of my insecurities. Forgive me if I have done this to you and know that I realize I do it, that I want to make things better and that I will try to be more trusting if you will give me the chance.
So this is 2013 me. Raw and real. It's gonna be a good year, I can just feel it.
This year, I have different goals than in the past. In years before, my goals involved a weight loss goal, some spiritual goal (usually reading a certain set of scriptures and a certain number of temple visits each month). This year, I want to live more which in turn will increase my spiritual life. Live more fully, enjoy life more, cherish each day.
I have come to realize with Josh being gone that I don't know how to be on my own. I get anxious, it's very hard for me to relax, I can't seem to turn off my mind and to do list. I love taking baths but I can't even seem to enjoy those anymore because I keep thinking. The only time when I can relax is when I am watching a movie in a movie theater. Even watching movies on the couch, I get distracted and feel like I need to be working on a project or reading facebook, checking instagram or pinning things for later on Pinterest. Technology is becoming more of a distraction than helpful. How do I unplug, how do I calm my mind? I need to find ways to decompress. Yoga maybe, ballet classes possibly? Reading more often. Not sure. I have tried deleting instagram from my phone, deactivating my facebook account and staying away from blogs and pinterest. But then I feel disconnected from my family and friends, especially since we live 2 hours away from most of them. There must be a balance. I have got to find it.
Part of living more fully for me must be letting go of my concerns about others opinions. I am always worrying about what I do or say, or things I have already done or said. The one thing that bothers me most is when I think that I offended someone. I lost sleep over it and it nags at me until I can try to work it through with the person. However, some people aren't worth that concern and worry. The ones who are worth it, should know me well enough to know the true intentions of my heart and that I would never intentionally do or say something to hurt them. Most often I am overanalyzing things and they aren't even bothered or upset. So while it's important to worry about being nice, it's more important for my life and sanity to only worry about the things I can change and the people I live with day to day and there opinion of me. Luckily both my husband and Bennett are easy to please and love me lots, I am a lucky girl. :)
I need to love me for me. If you have any suggestions on how a person does that, well, maybe keep them to yourself :) Because I think I have to figure this out on my own this time. I have heard it all, it's just time for me to figure how to make it apply to me.
Lastly, I have alot to offer. I have so much to give to others but I usually put up a wall before I get too close. Yes I am an open person, I share alot of my past, my present, my hopes for the future. But I don't really let others in. I don't do it because that would mean I trust them not to hurt me, betray me or leave me behind for something or someone new. Part of working through my trust issues is learning to not second guess myself in my relationships. Trust others, give them the benefit of the doubt. Usually I end up creating some unfounded basis for distancing myself from friends or family members before they can distance themself from me. (It's part of that whole worrying so much about everything.) I have lost touch with many that I love because of my insecurities. Forgive me if I have done this to you and know that I realize I do it, that I want to make things better and that I will try to be more trusting if you will give me the chance.
So this is 2013 me. Raw and real. It's gonna be a good year, I can just feel it.
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Have a holly jolly...Holiday Season
November:
For Thanksgiving this year we went to my parents house and had dinner. We spent the night before making pies, playing Just Dance 4 and getting to know my sister Sarah's boy toy, Ily. He is a foreign student attending ASU for the semester. He is from France and was very polite and interested to learn about our family and the Thanksgiving holiday. It is so strange to me to think that other countries don't celebrate Thanksgiving.
Anyway, highlights of Thanksgiving: yummy Turkey cooked by my dad, yummy banana cream pie made by my mom and I made the usual cranberry pineapple jello that is always a hit and a super sweet sweet potato casserole (I got the recipe from my sis in law Katrina a few years ago). Josh doesn't even like sweet potatoes but he likes that casserole because it's so sugary. :) We ate a nice cool meal in my parents new backyard. They recently sold our childhood home and moved into a townhome in the same neighborhood. It was hard to say goodbye to that house for all of us, but they are loving being in a newer and smaller place. Easier to maintain and fun to decorate all over! We enjoyed having my brother Colton with us, since he has been gone the last two years on a mission.
Moving onto December:
Bennett's First Santa Picture: I had intended to take him to the mall Santa but this Santa was at Walmart on Black Friday and was free. Plus he cried just like I thought he would, so we got the shot without having to fork over $20 for a copy.
Bennett is busy walking all over now. He doesn't like being held much anymore and feels pretty invincable which proves to be very scary for his Daddy and I. We put up all the Christmas decorations the Saturday after Thanksgiving. Josh and I put the unbreakable ornaments at the bottom of the tree. I also made him a felt Christmas tree so he could put on and take off the felt ornaments as much as he wants. Last year we got a Fisher Price Nativity from Josh's sister Sara for Christmas and Bennett is having fun playing with those. All of the Christmas decor, makes for a lot more picking up, but I love how it brightens up our home.
This year I am having a bit of a hard time getting fully into the Christmas spirit because Josh leaves Dec. 30th to go to Oklahoma for a month for a rotation. I know the time will go quickly, but we have never been apart that long and I know it will be tough taking care of B solo. We can do it though! I know Josh will enjoy that rotation because it will be at a hospital working with kids.
About a month ago, I had decided to make our blog private but then we had something come up and we were asked to keep it open for someone to read. I am now feeling like it's been enough time and the more I see visits from the Ukraine and South America, the more I want to have control of who is having access to our lives. So if you haven't already, leave a comment to let me know if you would like to still keep up with us. Thanks!
For Thanksgiving this year we went to my parents house and had dinner. We spent the night before making pies, playing Just Dance 4 and getting to know my sister Sarah's boy toy, Ily. He is a foreign student attending ASU for the semester. He is from France and was very polite and interested to learn about our family and the Thanksgiving holiday. It is so strange to me to think that other countries don't celebrate Thanksgiving.
Anyway, highlights of Thanksgiving: yummy Turkey cooked by my dad, yummy banana cream pie made by my mom and I made the usual cranberry pineapple jello that is always a hit and a super sweet sweet potato casserole (I got the recipe from my sis in law Katrina a few years ago). Josh doesn't even like sweet potatoes but he likes that casserole because it's so sugary. :) We ate a nice cool meal in my parents new backyard. They recently sold our childhood home and moved into a townhome in the same neighborhood. It was hard to say goodbye to that house for all of us, but they are loving being in a newer and smaller place. Easier to maintain and fun to decorate all over! We enjoyed having my brother Colton with us, since he has been gone the last two years on a mission.
I had gone shopping a bit with my sister Sarah, Colton and Ily on Thanksgiving night. We hit up Target and Walmart. I scored the last three Harry Potter movies, first and second Sherlock Holmes, first Batman and Despicable Me. So excited to have a full Harry Potter Marathon! I also got a steam mop and a Mega Blocks play table for Bennett. I can see why people get a little crazy for the good deals! We did go over and visit Josh's parents for lunch on Black Friday and had some turkey sandwiches and then headed back to Tucson.
Bennett's First Thanksgiving Craft: I had every intention of making one of these for all grandparents and Cortney but he thought the torture of doing one, was all he could handle. I had more success with my Christmas handprint project. Can't show you a sneakpeek because they are going to be gifts!
Bennett is busy walking all over now. He doesn't like being held much anymore and feels pretty invincable which proves to be very scary for his Daddy and I. We put up all the Christmas decorations the Saturday after Thanksgiving. Josh and I put the unbreakable ornaments at the bottom of the tree. I also made him a felt Christmas tree so he could put on and take off the felt ornaments as much as he wants. Last year we got a Fisher Price Nativity from Josh's sister Sara for Christmas and Bennett is having fun playing with those. All of the Christmas decor, makes for a lot more picking up, but I love how it brightens up our home.
This year I am having a bit of a hard time getting fully into the Christmas spirit because Josh leaves Dec. 30th to go to Oklahoma for a month for a rotation. I know the time will go quickly, but we have never been apart that long and I know it will be tough taking care of B solo. We can do it though! I know Josh will enjoy that rotation because it will be at a hospital working with kids.
About a month ago, I had decided to make our blog private but then we had something come up and we were asked to keep it open for someone to read. I am now feeling like it's been enough time and the more I see visits from the Ukraine and South America, the more I want to have control of who is having access to our lives. So if you haven't already, leave a comment to let me know if you would like to still keep up with us. Thanks!
Friday, November 16, 2012
A dream is a wish your heart makes...
Last night, someone I really admire and have cried for and prayed for over this year, posted the most amazing picture on Instagram of her secret surprise baby boy! Her and her husband were able to adopt a three year old baby boy yesterday and now they have three little boys. I am so happy for them after all that they have been through with a mom changing her mind in the final months of pregnancy in January to having a baby placed with their family for three days in August and having to return it to the birthmom because the birthdad was not on board. They have been through so much and I am thrilled for them to have finally found the baby meant to be in their family.
It made me think though. All those years of waiting to have a baby join our family, I always wondered how it was going to happen. Worrying, researching, praying, baring my soul to friends, crying and more crying and finally resolution in the birth of our amazing son and the selfless decision his birthmom made. I have felt such peace that everything leading him to joining our family was exactly as it should have been. That Heavenly Father does have an glorious plan for us.
But now, here I am back at the beginning, wondering and thinking about how the next little one will join our family. I honesty have no idea. It feels like starting all over, which it basically is. I know that so many miracles led us to finding Bennett and I have no doubt that miracles will be involved in our next child coming into our family. However, I am a planner still...even after learning last time to turn my life over to the Lord, I still struggle doing it again.
Yes, Bennett is only 14 months but doesn't every mom start thinking about the next one at some point or another. Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful for Bennett and recognize how lucky we are to have him. But when we got married we wanted a big family, like 6 kids. Which was a compromise for us coming from a family of 10 and a family of 4. Now I think we will be lucky to have 2 or 3. It is all an unknown. I am trying to just look forward with hope and positivity in watching it all unfold...
I'm sure it will be wilder than my fondest dreams :)
It made me think though. All those years of waiting to have a baby join our family, I always wondered how it was going to happen. Worrying, researching, praying, baring my soul to friends, crying and more crying and finally resolution in the birth of our amazing son and the selfless decision his birthmom made. I have felt such peace that everything leading him to joining our family was exactly as it should have been. That Heavenly Father does have an glorious plan for us.
But now, here I am back at the beginning, wondering and thinking about how the next little one will join our family. I honesty have no idea. It feels like starting all over, which it basically is. I know that so many miracles led us to finding Bennett and I have no doubt that miracles will be involved in our next child coming into our family. However, I am a planner still...even after learning last time to turn my life over to the Lord, I still struggle doing it again.
Yes, Bennett is only 14 months but doesn't every mom start thinking about the next one at some point or another. Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful for Bennett and recognize how lucky we are to have him. But when we got married we wanted a big family, like 6 kids. Which was a compromise for us coming from a family of 10 and a family of 4. Now I think we will be lucky to have 2 or 3. It is all an unknown. I am trying to just look forward with hope and positivity in watching it all unfold...
I'm sure it will be wilder than my fondest dreams :)
Monday, November 12, 2012
We've got a walker...
And not the zombie kind from Walking Dead! Bennett started walking last week. It was so crazy!!! He had started taking a few steps here and there the last few weeks. Then on Wednesday (the 7th for my journaling efforts) we were watching a Sesame Street episode (which I just found out he likes) and I was sitting next to him hanging up laundry. I turned and looked at him and he had his little arms out and was walking towards the tv. I didn't say anything because I didn't want him to get distracted or stop. I thought maybe it was just a fluke because he took 4 or 5 steps and then sat down. But then he did it over and over until he was walking almost all the way from the couch to the entertainment center! I couldn't contain my excitement any longer and was letting out my proud mama cheers! Once
I started cheering him on, he got the biggest smile on his little face and he kept walking further and further. YAY! Now, he is a little walking machine. He can walk holding things, even drinking from his sippy cup while he walks. On another note, he is a bottle free boy. The night after he walked I decided to chuck them all since he only was drinking one in the mornings when he wakes up but he hasn't been drinking the whole thing because he prefers his sippy cups more. He is growing up so fast!!!! He is officially 14 months now, going on 16!
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