New Year, New Me

Honesty time. This is going to be a different blog from now on. Less snapshots of life and more thoughts. Random as it may be, I want to be more open and since this is my space to do so I hope you will bear with me as things change.

This year, I have different goals than in the past. In years before, my goals involved a weight loss goal, some spiritual goal (usually reading a certain set of scriptures and a certain number of temple visits each month). This year, I want to live more which in turn will increase my spiritual life. Live more fully, enjoy life more, cherish each day.

 I have come to realize with Josh being gone that I don't know how to be on my own. I get anxious, it's very hard for me to relax, I can't seem to turn off my mind and to do list. I love taking baths but I can't even seem to enjoy those anymore because I keep thinking. The only time when I can relax is when I am watching a movie in a movie theater. Even watching movies on the couch, I get distracted and feel like I need to be working on a project or reading facebook, checking instagram or pinning things for later on Pinterest. Technology is becoming more of a distraction than helpful. How do I unplug, how do I calm my mind? I need to find ways to decompress. Yoga maybe, ballet classes possibly? Reading more often. Not sure. I have tried deleting instagram from my phone, deactivating my facebook account and staying away from blogs and pinterest. But then I feel disconnected from my family and friends, especially since we live 2 hours away from most of them. There must be a balance. I have got to find it.

Part of living more fully for me must be letting go of my concerns about others opinions. I am always worrying about what I do or say, or things I have already done or said. The one thing that bothers me most is when I think that I offended someone. I lost sleep over it and it nags at me until I can try to work it through with the person. However, some people aren't worth that concern and worry. The ones who are worth it, should know me well enough to know the true intentions of my heart and that I would never intentionally do or say something to hurt them. Most often I am overanalyzing things and they aren't even bothered or upset. So while it's important to worry about being nice, it's more important for my life and sanity to only worry about the things I can change and the people I live with day to day and there opinion of me. Luckily both my husband and Bennett are easy to please and love me lots, I am a lucky girl. :)

I need to love me for me. If you have any suggestions on how a person does that, well, maybe keep them to yourself :) Because I think I have to figure this out on my own this time. I have heard it all, it's just time for me to figure how to make it apply to me.

Lastly, I have alot to offer. I have so much to give to others but I usually put up a wall before I get too close. Yes I am an open person, I share alot of my past, my present, my hopes for the future. But I don't really let others in. I don't do it because that would mean I trust them not to hurt me, betray me or leave me behind for something or someone new. Part of working through my trust issues is learning to not second guess myself in my relationships. Trust others, give them the benefit of the doubt. Usually I end up creating some unfounded basis for distancing myself from friends or family members before they can distance themself from me. (It's part of that whole worrying so much about everything.) I have lost touch with many that I love because of my insecurities. Forgive me if I have done this to you and know that I realize I do it, that I want to make things better and that I will try to be more trusting if you will give me the chance.

So this is 2013 me. Raw and real. It's gonna be a good year, I can just feel it.